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Title: A Little Investing Humor To Get You Through The Day
Tags: humor jokes definitions funny
Blog Entry: Playing around on the internet, searching for information to build trivia questions from, I managed to stumble across a number of funny yet sometimes very real alternate definitions for terms commonly used in stock market investing. I figured I would place them on the NVestorz web site since everyone else had them as well (monkey see, monkey do). Bank - A place that will lend you money only when you don't need it. Bear - What your brokerage account becomes after investing in Enron. Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex. Accountant - A person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an economist. Bargain Stock - Stock you can't sell offered at a price you can't resist. Bond - A thing you used to have between you and your stockbroker before he lost your money. Broker - What you become after investing in dot com stocks. Bull - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Call - What a stockbroker does when he has a hot tip for you. Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer. Commission - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5. Derivatives - Financial weapons of mass destruction. Discounted Stock - A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month. EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tampering. EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor. Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. EPS - Eventual prison sentence. Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes. Forger - A person who gives checks a bad name. FRS - Fantasy reporting standards. Income Tax - Capital punishment. Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house. Margin - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation. Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks. Momentum Investing - the fine art of buying high and selling low. Over the Counter - Where you'll be getting your food from when you go out to dinner, after losing your money in the stock market. Power - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC rather than the FDA. Profit - Religious guy who talks to God. Quarter - A dollar, after taxes. Short - What you end up being after shorting stocks in your portfolio. Standard & Poor - The life of an investor after forgetting to set stop losses. Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves. Tip - What you won't be leaving your waiter if you invest based on his hot stock ideas. Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower. Volume - What you turn up on the radio when the financial report comes on. I'll add to this list of humorous difinitions as I come across terms and definitions to add. If you know of terms and definitions not included here, which should be, please add them in the comments below.