Playing around on the internet, searching for information to build trivia questions from, I managed to stumble across a number of funny yet sometimes very real alternate definitions for terms commonly used in stock market investing. I figured I would place them on the NVestorz web site since everyone else had them as well (monkey see, monkey do).

• Bank - A place that will lend you money only when you don't need it.
• Bear - What your brokerage account becomes after investing in Enron.
• Bear Market - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
• Accountant - A person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an economist.
• Bargain Stock - Stock you can't sell offered at a price you can't resist.
• Bond - A thing you used to have between you and your stockbroker before he lost your money.
• Broker - What you become after investing in dot com stocks.
• Bull - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
• Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
• Call - What a stockbroker does when he has a hot tip for you.
• Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
• CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
• CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
• Commission - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
• Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.
• Derivatives - Financial weapons of mass destruction.
• Discounted Stock - A stock that is less expensive than last month and more expensive than it will be next month.
• EBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
• EBITDA - Earnings before I tricked the dumb auditor.
• Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
• EPS - Eventual prison sentence.
• Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
• Forger - A person who gives checks a bad name.
• FRS - Fantasy reporting standards.
• Income Tax - Capital punishment.
• Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
• Margin - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
• Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
• Momentum Investing - the fine art of buying high and selling low.
• Over the Counter - Where you'll be getting your food from when you go out to dinner, after losing your money in the stock market.
• Power - The only narcotic regulated by the SEC rather than the FDA.
• Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
• Quarter - A dollar, after taxes.
• Short - What you end up being after shorting stocks in your portfolio.
• Standard & Poor - The life of an investor after forgetting to set stop losses.
• Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
• Tip - What you won't be leaving your waiter if you invest based on his hot stock ideas.
• Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.
• Volume - What you turn up on the radio when the financial report comes on.

I'll add to this list of humorous difinitions as I come across terms and definitions to add. If you know of terms and definitions not included here, which should be, please add them in the comments below.

Tags: Humor Jokes Definitions Funny

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